A haunting from the past

Posted by admin on July 30, 2013


A Haunting From The Past.


A few weeks back I get an email. It was from a attorney. In the letter they stated they were representing my first wife in a matter of divorce. At first I thought this was a scam. The week previous I had released my first book, The Evil In The Dark. I was on a real high. The sight of seeing my name on the cover of a novel that I wrote and is being sold all over the world. The feelings are all but indescribable.


My first thought from this letter was that my ex was wanting a piece if it. After all we had been divorced for almost exactly 29 years. What else could it be right?


I was more than hesitant to even even respond. The last thing I wanted was the pain, fear and every other negative emotion and abuse you can think of. At the time I would have done anything to get away from it. One day I did just that. One day, after she physically tackled me with her knee in my groin, I ran, literately ran out the door and down the street. She must have chased me for half a mile. I was running for my life. This was not a metaphor.


That was the end of that more than failed marriage. The only time I went back was to get my clothes.


The divorce followed. I walked the paperwork through the courthouse my self. I made sure she had a copy. It was done, over, I could breath again. Or so I thought.

I will skip some 15 years and another failed marriage. Yes I was legally married after that. The state said nothing at that time. The only scars from that one are on the inside.


The attorney for my first ex is stating there is no record of the divorce from my first wife.

This had me dumbfounded. How could I have gotten married a second time if I were still married to the first?


I told the attorney this. From the response I got it seamed they did not care. That was not their problem. Only the fact the state could not find the decree now. A new divorce would have to take place.


Time to come clean.

In the last 4 years I have been on disability. An accident at work has left me with an artificial hip and the right side and left foot that doesn't work, much. I will be this way for the rest of my life. The book I wrote is the only hope I have. Over one month after the release and the numbers of books I have sold can be counted on two hands. The bills have piled up and I'm one step from loosing everything. The last thing I needed was the thought that I needed was the idea that I was still married to my first wife.

This was giving me nightmares. I'm so upset over the whole thing I'm getting sick from it.


I am being forced to remember all the shit that happened so many years ago. And not just with my first wife but the second one as well. I had such high hopes. Again failure. I was told both time by the marriage councilors I had done everything I could. But that doesn't mean any thing. Somewhere in my mind I was always wonder if there was anything more I could have done.


To date I have never had a relationship that has lasted.

Perhaps It's all my fault, perhaps not. That's not for me to say.


I can say unequivocally I will never get married again. I wonder if I should even try and love again. The pain I have felt and caused. I would rather die alone than go through that again.


The tears I am shedding while writing this is testament to my resolve. I want, I truly want love. I'm just afraid, no I'm sure I will never find it and I will not let it grow again.

I say this with all the pieces of my shattered heart.