deep introspection

Posted by admin on May 25, 2014

There are those that say I have a dark cloud over my head most of the time.

It is true I have not had the best of luck for the last 8 years or so. I have lost so much in that time.

Yesterday, Saturday, I left the house. I decided I needed some air. It was a nice sunny day. Something we don't see all the time in Western Washington. I went to the local grocery store. I got some tea and went to the park behind store. It sits on the harbor and the is quite nice. I find a park bench that looks out onto the harbor. It's low tide and the see is starting to come back in. A good is a good breeze and the scent of the brackish water wafts in and fills my nose and thoughts.

I come out here to sit and think, on the rare days when the weather permits that is.

On this day I find myself reflecting on the time I have in the town the last 9 years.

Every endeavor I have worked for has not come to fruition. Heartache has been my sole companion here. Save for one thing, writing. And that I did as a therapy from an accident that all but took my ability to walk. Though it tried, I can still walk. It has taken 4 surgeries and volumes of pain. Still I persist.

I have been missing my friends from back in California for some time now.

We talk on the phone regularly. Despite what they say it's no substitute for the bring there.

I have not found a real friend, nor love in all the time I have been here.

Perhaps that's one reason I feel so alone in this place of such beauty.

The lack of sunshine has played a part in this as well. I was raised in Southern California.

On this day I sit and ask myself one question; when was the last day I really enjoyed?

It has been a while.

The last time I was on a real natural high was the day I finished my first novel, The evil In The Dark.

That one day was the best I have had in nine years! It was three day before I had the accident that tried to take my ability to walk.

As I sat I asked myself what I would miss about this place if I picked up and moved.

For the life of me I could not think of one thing. Trees, rivers? They can be had elsewhere. The beach here has never been a friend to me. The water is far to cold for any real enjoyment. I have very found memories of time, friends, events and days spent at the beach. None of them here.

Before the accident I was planing on moving. I feel it's time for me to get back to that. This town holds nothing for me.

??

If I can I must go back to the place I feel at home. A place where I have friends that have never let me go. My dad, Pat, Kay, Bruce. The list goes on.

I know what I want, no it's not just a ???want??? For me it's a palpable need.

For a while this state has been trying to tell me to go home. It's time I listen.